Territan (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} territan) wrote,@ 2007-08-19 19:44:00 |
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The LARP That Dare Not Say Its Name
I'm not quite sure how it began. I think I was comparing newspaper articles with a co-worker. He pointed out his and I pointed out the only comparatively recent one that I knew of.
Frankly, I'd forgotten how long ago it was. (I'd also forgotten how the rest of "my" paragraph ran; I usually stopped at the words "pasty and intense." Let's just say it shifted his opinion of me slightly, and not necessarily for the worse.) Check out the date on that sucker -- July 14th, 1996! Not only did I forget the date of that article, but I'm over a year late for its 10th birthday! I should have baked it a urinal cake or something.
What it drove home for me is that it's been a very long time since I've been fully and properly involved. I thought that the last game I'd run was Port Royal. It was actually something else which, for the sake of any potential future reputation I may try to build, I am not going to name. That's how long it's been, that I was able to completely forget it.
I reviewed a big honking stack of old Metagames looking 40% to build up some sort of game résumé, 40% to relive past glories, and 20% to torture myself. I have either not been a participant or tried halfheartedly to participate and been intimidated by people, settings, and situations for about a decade, give or take a little.
The hiatus has gone on long enough.
I've got a lot of problems, up to and including thinking that I don't belong among any of the people in that social circle. Or not knowing them any more. Or thinking that they won't accept me back. Or that I can't even handle playing in a modern game, since my last attempt fell on its face.
On the other hand, the regret is really annoying me. It's like a persistent itch that no amount of hitting with a meat hook will make go away. Under the cracked, crisped exterior something is pulsating, growing, and trying to burst out. I take that to mean either the burnout is almost at an end, if only I could scrape away the char. Or I've got an alien parasite entering its pupal stage. Either way, something's got to give.
My impediments?
- A crippling lack of self-confidence. I went into that above. 'Nuff said.
- The Subplot Switchboard. The tool which I used to write games in the past in Hypercard (both IIGS and Macintosh versions) is still theoretically useful, but it has many shortcomings. I've toyed with versions in Supercard, Runtime Revolution, Ruby on Rails, Microsoft Access, Filemaker Pro (several versions), and Xcode/Cocoa, but I haven't got anything yet that really gets the bacon delivered, y'know? And there are some ideas for features that I want to put in.
- Unfamiliarity with the Territory. Sure, I tried one persistent game in recent history, but it felt different to me. More different than I could handle. I balked, I let my other fears get to me, and I had sadly little trouble staying away through its conclusion. Perhaps I bit off more than I could chew? Perhaps I needed something smaller to work on first?
I want to start playing again. I want to start writing again. (And a little help creating the new Subplot Switchboard would be nice ... say, I haven't tried perl yet...)
But it's been a very long time since I tried this. Does anyone have any suggestions?
No, Intercon XXII doesn't look like it'll do the trick. Nothing in that line-up appeals to me.
And before someone asks, no damnit, I am not going to make my first game in about a decade the rerun of Port Fucking Royal.
